I thought about the term "Folk Rock" the other day, and it prompted me to come up with a few of my own:
Bloke Rock
Last seen and heard in Australian pubs in the 1980's. Involves very loud guitars and lots of beer.
Broke Rock
Otherwise known as
low-fi. Typified by penniless musicians with access to somebody's borrowed tape recorder or a friend's home studio. Although there are bands with limited funds who persist in making records (e.g.,
Guided By Voices and
Pavement), Broke Rock is populated primarily by earnest individuals who tend to be painfully sensitive as they bare their souls whilst strumming an acoustic guitar.
Choke Rock
Music performed by artists who sound like they're being strangled whilst performing. Male artists include
Bob Dylan and
Eddie Vedder. Female artists include
Janis Joplin,
Amy Winehouse,
Gabriella Cilmi. And definitely
Duffy.
Cloak Rock
Music performed by artists who, for whatever reason, wish to keep their identities a secret. Examples include
TISM,
The Residents,
Klaatu, and, believe it or not,
Paul McCartney (have you heard of
The Fireman?).
Coke Rock
Also known as Yacht Rock, where cocaine in the vicinity of super-rich rock stars (mid-70's
Fleetwood Mac, I'm looking at you...) fuels all-night recording sessions, extra-marital liaisons, and general outlandish behaviour – basically stuff that poor people can't do because they don't have the combination of unlimited bank accounts and boredom.
Joke Rock
Typified by bands who can't help themselves by adding witticisms, sarcasm, and punchlines to their lyrics. Bands include
They Might Be Giants,
Fountains of Wayne,
Weezer et al. My favourite Joke Rock song is "
This Is A Song" by Mitch Friedman (it even has a
video). Pure genius.
Poke Rock
Music focusing solely on one thing: fornication. This genre is nowadays almost solely the preserve of rappers. Rappers are obsessed with acts of a carnal nature, accumulating material wealth, shooting people, or being violent to women – but mostly acts of a carnal nature. Before rappers, though, almost any artist who ever wore jeans had a tendency to mention quite emphatically in song that he or she wanted to "make you," "take you," "do it" etc as much as possible and as often as possible.
Smoke Rock
Music performed by über-cool artists in a perpetual state of coolness by invariably having a cigarette dangling from their lips. (An alcoholic drink in one hand is optional.) Examples include
Amy Winehouse and that guy from
The Strokes, whoever he is. (I was going to include
Lou Reed, the father of über-cool rock artists, but he's identified more with heroin use rather than nicotine consumption, and unfortunately "Smack Rock" doesn't rhyme with the rest of this list.)
Spoke Rock
Rap. Or: Spoken word with rhythmic accompaniment. Or: "Why think up a tune when you can just talk incessantly?" Spoke Rock has nothing to do with bicycles.
Toke Rock
Populated by artists who proclaim and promote the psychologically and philosophically beneficial properties of
a certain herb. Examples include any artist who has ever been seen with red eyes and was continually grinning.
Yoke Rock
A genre created by
The Band. This involves artists giving the impression of being down-to-earth, and being down
with the earth. When they're not recording their man-of-the-land music, they're out ploughing the land – or so it appears. Quite a few artists have wandered onto the land, so to speak, and gotten earthy. Artists such as
Neil Young (
Harvest),
John Cougar Mellencamp (
Scarecrow), and even
The Boss (
Nebraska) – plus a whole host of
alt-country folk – have all highlighted the plight of the farmers they've never been in their entire lives. Checked shirts optional.